I love Walt Whitman for a multitude of reasons. He was a dandy man, openly flamboyant in a time of rigid, puritanical American school of thought. Mr. Whitman wrote confusing cryptic poems that used words like "armpit" which was totally absurd to most. He wrote the same poem for close to twenty years but would change and build on it every time he published a new copy. The man was a little eccentric. But, he did write the following words which have totally touched me since I first read them in the basement classroom of a bland 1970s Rutgers academic building:
"I celebrate myself,
and what I assume you shall assume..."
I feel like what Whitman is saying is that you decide who you are, set the example of how you want to be treated and other will follow suit. This idea that you determine what gives you value is so vital to our everyday lives an seemingly insignificant to most, probably, but I feel as if this is something I sometimes struggle with.
Last night, over a few Miller Lites, I discussed with my dear friend the topic of personal faults. I find that mine tend to all revolve around my struggle with self-respect and being confident in my worth. More detailed issues spawn from this; I find that I fear that others won't respect my opinion and also I don't usually give myself any credit for how smart I actually am or the things I've accomplished. I tend to be in awe of others' capabilities, smarts and charm and don't see those things in myself. Now, these fears or faults or whatever you choose to call them don't run my everyday life; I don't live in fear and self-loathing, but these issues will selectively rear their little ugly heads on occasion, and when they do, I start to feel like I'm shrinking.
Being a hypersensitive person, I find that growing up I felt like I was what others told me I was - stupid, fat, ugly, weird, dorky, whatever. I thought, well, if that's what others see, then everyone must see that too, right? I accepted what others labeled me as true because I was a child and that's what you do when you're young and impressionable. I continued with that train of thinking for quite sometime. It wasn't until I came into my own more during my last years of high school and then in college that I came to respect my own opinions and ideas and looks, etc.
I learned to speak my mind and think unconventionally and be confident in that, but my fear of what I can only assume to be emotional rejection (it could be seeking approval, I'm not sure which best fits) still lingers in ways. It's like this: I can get mad and pissed off about something and I'm usually right (it sounds bad but hey, I have like a 94% success rate and being right I think, lol), but when it comes down to confrontation, I get pretty uncomfortable. No one likes confrontation unless you're say, a lawyer, I suppose. But this is fairly unhealthy thinking in the sense that I automatically become fearful of that other person rejecting me or not respecting or listening to what I'm saying. It just goes back to not having the sense of self-worth that I deserve to hold for myself.
It's kind of funny writing this out loud (I think that's the correct blogging phraseology for this) because when I re-read the last paragraph, it sounds pretty embarrassingly, honestly, and makes me feel almost defensive of my own thoughts. I want to be like, "hey, I'm better than that!" because, lets be honest, these aren't exactly the kind of traits we would want to write down on a job application...I can just picture the reaction you might get if you filled out a job questionnaire on an interview like so:
Question: What would you say are your weaknesses?
Answer: Well, sir, I find that I have a hard time always asserting my self-worth to myself.
...probably would end up with an "um, oh." and a "we will be getting back to you soon..." and you are shooed out of the office.
Although I have to say, it does makes me slightly happy because then I know I'm able to progress if I instantly know that I deserve better for myself. You can't make something better for yourself if you aren't aware of what the issue is, you know?
I'm constantly looking to try and improve myself in ways and understanding these faults or issues is the first step toward making that happen. I always try to speak up regardless of whether I feel comfortable or not simply because I know I need to do it to get used to that. And therein lies the wonderful, lovely, inspiring truth in what Whitman has to say.
I must learn to celebrate myself. The last two years of my life I've learned to do a better job of that which I'm happy about. If you don't celebrate the ins and outs of who you are - the clumsiness, the way you stutter when you're flabbergasted, the way you snore at night, the crooked middle bottom tooth that shows when you smile, your inability to be suave, your nerdiness, your over analyzation, your everything - if you don't celebrate these you run the risk of self-loathing and eternal frustration. Celebrate yourself, dammit!
And in this celebration of yourself allows other to celebrate yourself too - when you walk with your head down with the fear of others running into you, they will. When you walk down the street with your head up and your shoulders back and a smile on your face like you own the whole damn sidewalk, then you will be regarded that way.
Flaws and personal struggles are okay. They're good, they help us find out what we want to improve to make ourselves a better. You have to teach yourself that you deserve respect and love from others, all flaws included.
Love yourself, and others will follow.
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