All These Things That I've Done

I did good this year.

In the spirit of reflection, I've decided to take a look back at the things I've accomplished (insert pat on the back here) and be seriously grateful as well as even more inspired.

This year certainly started with a sheBANG. I rang in the new year at my favorite local spot in New Brunswick, the Ale n' Wich. Condusive to smoking packs of cigarettes and drinking heavy-handed jack and cokes all while beating everyone at foosball, this place housed most of my college drinking. It got to the point where I was there six nights a week. Before I was 21. No lie.

Promptly after I jet-setted out to Disney World, fulfilling my life-long dream of overcoming my resentful childhood and setting foot in the world-renound land of magic...except I was doing this with my ex. Try taking a week-long vacation in Disney World with your ex-boyfriend sometime. Let me know how that goes.

Beginning of January = Kings of Leon concert at Madison Square Garden with Sarah. No words are good enough.

The end of January and on put me into full-responsibility mode with the Folk Festival. I lived in a house with all girls but essentially lived alone. Getting up at 6, going to bed at 2, spending the majority of my days at the Gatehouse (those who saw me through the NJFF know what's up). Occasionally I would get annihilated with Sarah and stumble home from whatever local bar was the flavor of the evening. Decided to move to LA & picked a random date: June 22nd.

Enter March-April. Greg floated in and out of my life, I thought maybe things could be right with us again. I still stayed focused on my own career (school) though and only became more diligent.

Last Saturday in April - 35th Annual New Jersey Folk Festival - I saw all of the hard work I never knew I could possibly accomplish manifest in one day. It was the best turnout of any folk festival ever and I had put it together. I have never had a child, but I imagine that this kind of joy is only ever rivaled by that. Some of the best folks I've ever met (pun absolutely intended) were a part of this team and I will never EVER forget what we all created together. Go New Jersey.

May rolled around and before I knew it, I was writing final papers and getting drunk at Senior Seminars wondering what life might be life after graduation. I knew I was headed for California but every time I would say it, it just sounded like a line; I heard it but I wasn't even sure that I believed it. I soaked up every minute though, partook in every senior activity. Sarah and I had become best friends and I savored every second of our careless Tuesdays at the Olive Branch. I don't think I've ever created so many memories in such a short amount of time. May 21st I graduated - a day I never thought I would see. Finishing something so big never seemed so awesome.

June was a month of soaking up everything I could. My mom and I did everything together - Phillies games, dinners, crying over fear of the future...June 22nd was the day I had planned on for so long and feared more than anything I've ever done. I had my graduation party two days before I moved and I never realized how many people I had in my life that really truly loved me. I said my goodbyes and on Monday morning, packed up my Honda Civic with my best friend in tow and embarked on the 3ooo mile journey to the West coast.

July was the buffer month. I soaked up the new fabulousness of living in LA. I went to the beach a few times a week, worked on my tan while I revamped my resume, went on interviews with no success but because I was in the honeymoon phase, I didn't really care what happened because I was in a state of total bliss...

July 31st was again one of the most joyful moments in my life. I watched my best friend Sarah get married. I cried like a bitch. Those two mean the world to me. My other best friend, Bryan, was the best date and I'm sure he'll never let me live down how I tried to convince him to be straight so I could wife him.

August came and went - a month of interviews and again, no success. Started to wonder what would become of me.

September hit me hard. What was I doing? Would I be successful? Would I make my life work? Was this all just some crazy pipe dream? I just kept going because I didn't know what else to do. Enter Starbucks.

October I finally landed my job - working at USC. I was able to quit my job at Starbucks and throw that fucking green hat out and right there and then vowed that I would do whatever it took to never make a latte with no foam at 180 degrees again. October was by far the most tumultuous month for me in every sense of the word. I never wish to relive that month; it was one of the worst of my life. I've never been so humbled and worn down in a thirty-day span.

November. Missing the seasons change actually got to me. I never though those annoying multi-colored leaves on the ground and sticking to my shoes would mean something. I never though seeing rain would be so impressive. I never anticipated how much I would miss my family.

December, here I am. I've never been so happy in my life. I have everything I could dream of and more. I have a spectacular life. I live in one of the most lively cities in the country, working at a world-class university, have an amazing apartment with my self-proclaimed soul-mate sleeping ten feet from me every night. I am dating a guy that is so wonderful that I quite frankly don't know what to do with. I feel so proud, so happy, so content and so ready for the next step.

Bring it on, 2010.

What did you resolve??

Drawing near Christmas and the New Year, I’ve begun to do a little bit of reflection. OK, a little is a serious understatement. I’ve been basically overanalyzing everything I’ve experienced in the past year, and trying to understand what the moral of the story is. For most, the ball-dropping, drunk-kissing, champagne-toasting New Year is the beginning of a new diet or a new hair color or a maybe a new single-gal start. This is all fine and dandy and even encouraged, but let us not forget those elusive resolutions from last year…

After all, resolutions imply that something is resolved. Something you wanted to change, you make a promise to resolve it. You want to lose weight? Resolve the issue you have with the ten pounds you want to shed. I actually am having a difficult time trying to remember what it is that I vowed to do for the year (defeating the resolution process) however in past years I can say I have had serious success in whatever I’ve promised to resolve. For instance, two years ago, I vowed to be more selfish. Being someone who has issues with standing up for myself or too often placating others before self, I felt that being more selfish would allow me not only to improve my personal sense of worth, but also help me to focus on getting done the things I wanted to do for myself.

Ok, so January 1^st – promises made. We walk (or stumble, depending on how you party on New Year’s Eve) into this new beginning. These resolutions are the nice ones, the ones you decide to do for yourself, the ones that you feel like you want to achieve because there is something about yourself or your behavior that you feel just isn’t up to par. But what about those times when it isn’t the New Year? When something accidentally happens to you that you must take a serious look at yourself right now and evaluate what you must do…I had a moment like this yesterday. I had a moment where I was embarrassed about something I’ve been analyzing about myself. I’ve been mentally formulating some kind of plan for myself to improve this aspect of me, but haven’t really solidified or followed through on any kind of plan. Someone once told me this brilliant jem of truth: “the difference between a dream and a goal is that if it is a goal, you have a plan with real attainable steps.” And so my little mental game of planning with no follow through means I had only been dreaming of what I wanted. And sometimes, it takes a rude awakening to push you into goal-mode.

And so, I was accidentally humiliated, unbeknownst to the other person who accidentally caused this scenario. I spent the night replayed the incident and cringing to myself, wishing it had never happened and letting my insecurities manifest themselves into self-pity and mascara-streaked tears. I mean, who really needs an outside reminder of what they already know and loathe?

Actually – we all do.

I was finally able to talk about my scenario with my other half and best friend and although she gave me the words of comfort we all seek when venting to someone, she also said something real and honest that only someone who truly loves you will tell you: take the insult and injury and run with it. Suck it up and use this humiliation for motivation. I’m not going to deny what happened and comfort myself with hollow ego-boosting adjectives. I’m going to start right now – right this minute, and start to do what needs to be done. It may have been somewhat of a resolution to me that I was planning on committing to when the New Year strikes, but now it has become a goal that starts right this very instant.

The best part of a resolution is the excitement of the end result. The best part of the end result is what you learned on your way there. I think a lot of failure (as far as resolutions go) has to do with the fact that people tend to replace the excitement with fear. Of course frustrations and roadblocks can send us into a tailspin to which we lose our visions, however, I feel like if you can really really get yourself excited about your potential to create whatever you want for yourself, you gain a sense of empowerment that will block out most of those frustrations. Believing that you can ACTUALLY do what you are trying to do is 90% of the battle. If you can see yourself in the place, use your motivation (even if it comes of a place of humiliation) and make one small conscious effort towards your goal after another, you will surely reap the benefits in no time. We all know when we’re really being diligent and when we’re not. I mean, c’mon – sleeping in those extra twenty minutes feels good at the moment but you know how awfully guilty you feel when it means you just missed your morning run…

And so here I am, t-minus three days until Christmas and tapping away at my keyboard being introspective and weird at work (see, I know I’m not being diligent at work here and I’m not afraid to admit it). I have created for myself a plan of diligence and discipline to achieve what I want that is simple: color inside the lines. I know, for myself, that if it isn’t easy, I won’t do it. I’m talking like, two or three steps max here. So for me, coloring inside the lines means two things: choosing and acting. Make choices that are in line with what I’m working toward and act in alignment with what I’m working toward. That’s it.

I’m looking forward to my success and I know I’ll achieve it because I can see it. A rude awakening was all it took (well, not “all it took” because that downplays how much of a punch in the face it was) for me to kick it into gear, and that’s just what I have to follow through on. As far as those nice little “next-year” resolutions, I’m going to have to dig a little deeper to uncover one of those really good ones that I can really stick to (“be a bitch” or “be more selfish”). I’m looking forward to another year of awesome personal growth and big leaps though – and that in itself is something to get excited about!!!

New Frontier

Today is just one of those days where I don't feel like myself. I feel unaligned.

I went to the beach with my counterpart yesterday and we were talking about how in life, you are faced with about eight million choices every day. Would you like soy milk or skim in your coffee? Do you want to cook dinner or go out? Do you really want to buy that super cool As Seen on TV potato peeler that you just watched on a 45 minute informercial?? You make decisions that you don't even realize because they are just simple and don't require a ton of thought. These are the unconscious decisions you make because they align with your moral and behavioral fibers. They don't require time or thought; you do it and it's done.

But then there are those times where you do something or make a decision that conflicts with whatever your beliefs are...maybe by accident, sometimes on purpose, or perhaps just because you weren't paying attention. And maybe once in a blue moon, it ends up OK, but I tend to find from my own experiences that more often than not, you end up feeling pretty terrible. It doesn't seem to be what you did in particular, but for me at least it's got more to do with the underneath-issue which would be, why did I do this in the first place? What's going on?

I feel like I've run into some of these symptoms of bad choices lately. I like to think I have a pretty strong moral foundation, that I adhere to what I believe in and live by those standards. I rarely deviate so when I do, it hurts. I have this unwavering personal guilt - when I do something wrong, if I hurt someone or myself, I can't seem to shake it. It probably stems from all that Catholic stuff in my upbringing or my Cancerian nature where I'm super sensitive but I stuff it all inside...but regardless, I feel awful for quite some time.

Like I said, I'm not entirely sure why but it's never really the thing that I do that gets me, but more so the why. Why would I choose to do something that wasn't good for me, or for whomever else was involved? Do we sometimes stray from what we should be doing to feel something else? I think I've been unconsciously seeking something or things in my life that won't come to me instantly but that I just want so bad that I make stupid decisions to try to extract a piece of whatever feeling I'm seeking. And I've found that all this is worthless and can only be a danger to myself. It's like buying a knockoff bag: it's cheaper and it might look just the same as the real deal, but on the inside, the lining is gonna say "Made in Sri Lanka," and you'll always know it's just not real enough.

So whatever these lingering reasons are and wherever they are coming from, I have to just face them. I have to keep in line with my true self - the part of me that is trying to make me better - and stick with it. I guess maybe every once in a while, if you feel yourself start to fall off your own wagon, you have you brush yourself off, but while you're running to catch up and hop back on, make sure that you do a little self-check to see what's really going on. Maybe this will help me avoid getting bruised again when I bounce off the first time.

I want to give myself the benefit of stopping to recollect myself. I can feel terrible all I want, but in reality, it's truly unproductive and will only get me down even more. So now, today, here in my rolly chair at my Ikea desk in my lovely Los Angeles apartment, I'm going to give myself this New Frontier to let go of what I've done wrong, and to move on. I deserve more from me.

Coming Around Again

I have a college education. I'm a successful woman. I'm resourceful. I've written 30 pages of a thesis. I'm excellent at making things happen. So why is it that I'm so unreasonable as far as men go?

How is it that I can lock myself in a library and face a terrifying paper topic with confidence and a sound mind, but I can't call a guy to tell him what I'm thinking without feeling like I'm going to throw up?

I've been reading this book by Tucker Max, called I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, and just recently finished a short story about how Tucker realized he got played. A girl had come over to his house before she went on a date to simply fellate him. Before she went on a date with some poor, unsuspecting fool. Tucker laughs to himself, feels slightly sorry for the dude, but overall revels in his mind about how much better he is than this stupid other guy because he can get what he wants without buying dinner...all before realizing that this exact scenario has most likely happened to him unknowingly. Just like he has played others, he has been played in the same way. This realization brought him off his high horse that is so prevelant in his book of absurd, hilarious and terrifyingly true stories.


I have been played, my friend. Played not in the sense that my date gave someone else head before going out with me, but played as in having someone tell me one thing while doing completely the other thing. I, like Tucker, thought I knew better, thought I could evade these situations because I'm smarter and more intuitive than other people. But let me tell you, no one can beat the house.

Let's back it up and make this statement loud and clear: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

In so many ways and relationships I have realized this recently. I was blown off by good friends on my BIRTHDAY. MY BIRTHDAY!! I got the dance-around. I called everyone out on their bullshit, and they still didn't own up. People really underestimate the power of being straightforward. It's unfair and childish to beat around the bush on ANY situation if you already know you won't follow through. Being straightforward won't eliminate disappointment, but it will certainly eliminate any kind of distrust or pissed-off-ness on behalf of the person you are letting down. So I got blown off on my birthday. Pissed? Yes. But the action of not being honest, not apologizing over the phone (facebook is not a proper outlet for a fucking apology), that tells me that you just are afraid, cowardly and it makes me question your character. I like to think that if I fuck up, I will admit to my wrongs, be sincere in my apology and try to move on with that person because I care about them. Not having that same level of respect returned tells me that you don't value me as a friend. It's as simple as that.

I was violated again yesterday/today. The guy who has been that one that I've compared everyone to, the one I always go back to, the one who I've loved to my core - he showed me his true colors. We had a psuedo-relationship before I moved to CA, with the attitude that we would go our separate ways and keep each other in the back of our minds, and someday reunite. I really believed that we would work out one day. I think I might have even thought we might get married one day. A thought which usually repulses me, I considered for a moment. In the final days before my departure as well as the time I've been here, I've realized the insincerity of this dude. Bringing this full circle, I'd like to reinforce my idea regarding the belief that actions speak louder than words.

This guy says the most ridiculous shit to me. He tells me he would love to move out to California some day. Tells me he loves me. Tells me he misses me. Tells me I'm wonderful and great and blah blah blah. Words, 1, Actions, 0.

This guy wrote me a "love note" of some sort when I left, which I STILL can't figure out what it says (it literally said everything and absolutely nothing at the same time). Words, 2, Actions, 0.

He talks to me at least 4 times a week, but I've only actually gotten 1 phone call since I've left. Words, 3, Actions 0.

He conveniently left out the fact that he hung out with my best friend on the 4th of July on two separate occasions when I asked him how his holiday was. I think he should lose a few points on the "actions" side for this one seeing as this is negative actions. Words, 3, Actions, -100.

He has continued to hang out with my best friend, to which I am certain they have hooked up. Words, 3, Actions, -1200.

As you can see, these patterns of doing and saying do not line up. I have chose to ignore this imbalance for quite some time because I wasn't using any sliver of common sense. I told myself he was "different" (yes, laugh please), told myself he had grown up from the selfish person he used to be (false also) and convinced myself that our connection was greater than anyone I had ever known. The sad part is, I also realize now that I am surely not the only victim of his disgusting charade. Oh, to think you are "special" is so naive.

I'm angry at him, I'm angry at the friend I thought was a good friend. I am most upset with myself with not being more logical. Not using my educated, smart-witted and clever side to sniff this rodent problem out. I am sad I let this get in my mind and take up any time in my life. But lesson learned. I don't mean to sound so militant about this, but you have to use your head sometimes. Following your heart and falling in love is not out of the question, but if you find youself hearing a bunch of hollow promises with no action to back it up, it's ONLY hollow. If a guy loves you, respects you and wants to be with you, he will and you won't typically find yourself asking what he's done to show you that.

p.s. The guy never called me back when I called him to talk about this.

Starting Over

[forgot to publish from 7/11/09]

There are so many things in life that you have total control over.

I just moved to California for no apparent reason except to live. Whenever someone asked me what I was doing after graduation, all I could say was, "moving to LA," to which the common response was, "oh, do you have a job out there?"

Nope.

I drove out here blindly. I came here with an optomistic outlook, a Honda Civic full of my belongings and my best friend. I made the choice to do something I thought would be fantastic. Everything fell into place from there. I have a beautiful apartment, a great roomate and fun every day.

Before I left, I was terrified. One night, I cried to my mom, worried sick over what I was going to do as far as money and a job went. "What am I going to do????" I was so afraid of failing that I wasn't even allowing myself to be present in the moment, and let the future unfold. After driving the 2800 miles it took to my new home, I can finally say that I took control of my life for real, made my own happiness and I couldn't be happier.

One of the most important things my mom said to me to help me see this more clearly was that NO MATTER WHAT, you can't make things happen in any one specific way. You can choose what you want and do it, but as in doing anything else, you won't make it from point A to point B in one linear step. You'll go to point C, than to F, to Z. Such is life. Regardless, something will work out, as long as you keep close what you want with a smile on your face.

I had a point Z moment today. Today, my family changed. My mom made my alcoholic father leave. This breaks my heart. Here I am, 2800 miles from my mom, brother and sister whom I love more than anything and I can't even hug them. Or get a hug, for that fact. My dad is somewhere - who knows where doing who knows what - and all I can do is wonder. I wonder what will happen, I wonder if we'll be okay, I wonder if he'll find help or just fade out. I wonder if he'll live to see 60. This terrifies me. But I know somehow it will be okay. I'm really worried. But what good does that do? This is a scary, blind step in the right direction for my family. A new start, for the right reasons. All we can do is hope.

Things that come and go...

There are many things that come and go in life:

High school, came and went. Memorable moments: sophomore year & my great friend Colleen whom I went through everything with at the time. junior year and meeting my great love. Senior year and making what I thought were "rest of my life" decisions.

College: making it through my first year. Transferring after my freshman year. Making my new life at Rutgers. Meeting more boyfriends, leaving them for a better life. Choosing to do a 5th year and being proud of it. Running the New Jersey Folk Festival which I now live and breathe. Having new great friends by my side.

There were a couple of things and people consistent among the change - family, my state of mind, the ambitions I felt in my heart for so long...

Today I finalized one of those dreams, I signed an apartment in LA with my cousin, Caiti and made the next step. I'm thrilled and so grateful to have followed my dream, my instinct and my heart. Reflecting on where I've come from and where I'm about to go is obviously inevitable.

No matter who you are or where you've come from, it's always the past that's put you there. I'm one of those people who loves retrospect - I mean, how can you not? Thinking about all the paths you've chosen and all the outcomes you've had and what you've learned from all of them...I mean, really, past IS prologue (just ask the statue on the National Archives in D.C. where that famous phrase is inscribed forever) and it's just like one long "choose your own adventure" book!!

I have a younger brother who I wish I could wrap up retrospect and give to. But he'll learn on his own. He's beautiful in himself. He'll prosper no doubt.

This is all generally just a loaded "thank you" to the destiny I have worked so hard to achieve, but I mean it with all my heart and soul. Putting your life together into some comprehensive, something legible to yourself and others (in a far second to yourself) is probably the hardest thing I've ever hard to do, and surely something I'll work to complete forever. I feel like it's so easy to go through the motions of what your supposed to do, but figuring out and following through on what you truly WANT is the most damn difficult thing in the world! I watch so many of the people I know and love settle for a certain future. I'm not one to judge, I just see the gleam in their eyes, and then I see the doubt they cloud themselves with.

I recently was laid off from my part-time job. It's a funny story, actually:

I came into work on a Friday. My great friend Magdalena was in the cube adjacent to me, and I stopped in before setting my things down to say good morning.
"Hey sweetie," she said, "how long will you be here today?"
"For as long as I can stand it," I scoffed and joked.
Within an hour I was having the door of my bosses office shut behind me (which is undoubtedly trouble) being given a speech on how they're cutting hours back and I should "basically find another job to replace this one."
My heart rate jumped with my heart, and after walking out to run to the bathroom to freak out, I stopped myself mid-tear while wondering "what am I going to do," and realized that I hated my job. Why was I so upset? I was working the less-than-stellar office job, sitting on my ass, contributing nothing, and hating every second of it. I was upset because my norm had been disrupted in a complicated time in my life and I was totally thrown off. I didn't cry over the job, I cried over the stress of money and maybe some PMS and that was it. I walked away that day with a little bit of humility and definitely a renewed perspective.

Fast-forward to today. It's my spring break of my senior year of college. I'm in this college town that more resembles a ghost town than anything right now, dog sitting a quasi-crazy dog belonging to my roommate, with no job, nothing to do, and nothing to take my mind off the fact that I have nothing to do. I lamented in the realization that I haven't been productive lately, although my attempts to be so were valiant. And then, in the sheer alignment of the stars, in the good faith of God, whatever it may be, I got a phone call from my fantastic counterpart telling me of an apartment that is available in LA. I've decided to move there to live my dream of living on the West Coast, and for no other reason except for the warm weather and the disgustingly obsessive-almost-sick-with-desire feeling I get when I'm there. And throughout the entire day, I've talked and calculated and faxed and now I have my dream apartment on the outskirts of Beverly Hills in Los Angeles. I'm thrilled and slightly terrified -but I can't wait to live the rest of my life.

I took a chance on what I wanted. I am living my life one step at a time and I couldn't be more grateful for where I've been to get to this very key-slamming moment. I never knew what I wanted in high school. How can you? At 17 you don't know what you want - you know exactly what you DON'T want and that's about it. At 20 I didn't know either. At 22, I'm one step closer to figuring it out, and about 38 steps closer to feeling totally in the moment. But all in all, I would never be to this point if it weren't for the things that came and went.

The boys, the life experiences, the fuck-ups, the joyous occasions, the heartbreaks, the lay-offs, the isolated incidents...every piece has brought me a greater understanding of where I want to be (and I don't mean that literally). If there is one thing I can encourage those I love and those I one day will love and those I don't even know - it's to truly follow your heart through what you've experienced, because REALLY, REALLY - you deserve to crave and follow through on every dream you have.

with all my love, now and retrospectively,
me

Time for Honesty

I called up my favorite counterpart to spill my guts about my crazy 2009 so far today and had a great conversation. Things were cut short by my date to see Bride Wars (SO GOOD!) however we always can get in something profound in any amount of time...

I've had a great and eventful year thus far. I rang in the year low-key (which I was thrilled about because I think New Years is way overrated), then immediately embarked on a vacation to Disney World, marking my first trio to the famed resort and theme park at age 22. It was still amazingly magical at 22 though! I finally got back, came back down from my travelling warm-weather high and took some major revelations away from these past 12 days.

I realized that I'm learning to be honest with myself. In past years, I've tried out some new resolutions - but they're always over-arching ideas like "be more selfish" or "have more fun"...this year I'm coming around again with another general resolution: Be more honest with myself. I'm happy with these past resolutions because the less specific resolutions are, I think the easier they are to make happen! And so being honest with myself is an easy thing to remember, so hopefully I'll stick to it.

For a long time I was back and forth about a relationship that was a huge part of my life. For two years I went back and forth...I have this rule (this may seem irrelevant but I swear it will make sense) when I go shopping. If I don't love it, I don't buy it. If I'm ever on the fence, I just leave it behind. I should have done this a while ago with this relationship. I was often on the fence about it and I didn't love it, so I shouldn't have bought into it. But I learned to be more straightforward, I learned to do what is right for me, and I'm learning to try to be more honest with my feelings instead of wasting time complicating everything with "what to do" issues.

I recently (and by recently, I mean like a few days ago) realized that I've been wanting to move out to California ever since my freshman year of college. I was entranced by the beauty and the weather and the atmosphere (not talking about the smog, lol) there. Here is NJ I use a special lamp for light therapy to avoid Seasonal Affective Disorder. Being in a warmer, sunnier, happier climate is better for me. It's what I want. It's what I've wanted since I had a taste of it. Every time I come back east I want to fly back west (passed out on Xanax though so I don't get that horrible anxiety that comes with turbulance). I love it - so why not buy it?

This is what I want and this is what I'm ready for. I'm tired of looking at things I used to be intimidated by coveting them. I'm going to do it and I'll figure out the rest when I get there. This isn't just talking about a dream, this is life, and ready to be honest with how I feel about actually doing it.

My "thing" in life (everyone has a "thing") is that I have zero regrets. I regret absolutely nothing because everything in life has shaped me into where I am today. And I never want to regret anything in the future because I wasn't honest with myself. Being more honest with myself will only help me see things clearer, sooner.

I'm ready for graduating, I'm ready for the life that I'm gonna tell my kids about and be proud of - I'm ready for life in general. I've had the most colorful past thus far, why settle now?

I love it, and I'm buying it!

xoxo with a big ol' kiss,
Me