Coming Around Again

I have a college education. I'm a successful woman. I'm resourceful. I've written 30 pages of a thesis. I'm excellent at making things happen. So why is it that I'm so unreasonable as far as men go?

How is it that I can lock myself in a library and face a terrifying paper topic with confidence and a sound mind, but I can't call a guy to tell him what I'm thinking without feeling like I'm going to throw up?

I've been reading this book by Tucker Max, called I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, and just recently finished a short story about how Tucker realized he got played. A girl had come over to his house before she went on a date to simply fellate him. Before she went on a date with some poor, unsuspecting fool. Tucker laughs to himself, feels slightly sorry for the dude, but overall revels in his mind about how much better he is than this stupid other guy because he can get what he wants without buying dinner...all before realizing that this exact scenario has most likely happened to him unknowingly. Just like he has played others, he has been played in the same way. This realization brought him off his high horse that is so prevelant in his book of absurd, hilarious and terrifyingly true stories.


I have been played, my friend. Played not in the sense that my date gave someone else head before going out with me, but played as in having someone tell me one thing while doing completely the other thing. I, like Tucker, thought I knew better, thought I could evade these situations because I'm smarter and more intuitive than other people. But let me tell you, no one can beat the house.

Let's back it up and make this statement loud and clear: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

In so many ways and relationships I have realized this recently. I was blown off by good friends on my BIRTHDAY. MY BIRTHDAY!! I got the dance-around. I called everyone out on their bullshit, and they still didn't own up. People really underestimate the power of being straightforward. It's unfair and childish to beat around the bush on ANY situation if you already know you won't follow through. Being straightforward won't eliminate disappointment, but it will certainly eliminate any kind of distrust or pissed-off-ness on behalf of the person you are letting down. So I got blown off on my birthday. Pissed? Yes. But the action of not being honest, not apologizing over the phone (facebook is not a proper outlet for a fucking apology), that tells me that you just are afraid, cowardly and it makes me question your character. I like to think that if I fuck up, I will admit to my wrongs, be sincere in my apology and try to move on with that person because I care about them. Not having that same level of respect returned tells me that you don't value me as a friend. It's as simple as that.

I was violated again yesterday/today. The guy who has been that one that I've compared everyone to, the one I always go back to, the one who I've loved to my core - he showed me his true colors. We had a psuedo-relationship before I moved to CA, with the attitude that we would go our separate ways and keep each other in the back of our minds, and someday reunite. I really believed that we would work out one day. I think I might have even thought we might get married one day. A thought which usually repulses me, I considered for a moment. In the final days before my departure as well as the time I've been here, I've realized the insincerity of this dude. Bringing this full circle, I'd like to reinforce my idea regarding the belief that actions speak louder than words.

This guy says the most ridiculous shit to me. He tells me he would love to move out to California some day. Tells me he loves me. Tells me he misses me. Tells me I'm wonderful and great and blah blah blah. Words, 1, Actions, 0.

This guy wrote me a "love note" of some sort when I left, which I STILL can't figure out what it says (it literally said everything and absolutely nothing at the same time). Words, 2, Actions, 0.

He talks to me at least 4 times a week, but I've only actually gotten 1 phone call since I've left. Words, 3, Actions 0.

He conveniently left out the fact that he hung out with my best friend on the 4th of July on two separate occasions when I asked him how his holiday was. I think he should lose a few points on the "actions" side for this one seeing as this is negative actions. Words, 3, Actions, -100.

He has continued to hang out with my best friend, to which I am certain they have hooked up. Words, 3, Actions, -1200.

As you can see, these patterns of doing and saying do not line up. I have chose to ignore this imbalance for quite some time because I wasn't using any sliver of common sense. I told myself he was "different" (yes, laugh please), told myself he had grown up from the selfish person he used to be (false also) and convinced myself that our connection was greater than anyone I had ever known. The sad part is, I also realize now that I am surely not the only victim of his disgusting charade. Oh, to think you are "special" is so naive.

I'm angry at him, I'm angry at the friend I thought was a good friend. I am most upset with myself with not being more logical. Not using my educated, smart-witted and clever side to sniff this rodent problem out. I am sad I let this get in my mind and take up any time in my life. But lesson learned. I don't mean to sound so militant about this, but you have to use your head sometimes. Following your heart and falling in love is not out of the question, but if you find youself hearing a bunch of hollow promises with no action to back it up, it's ONLY hollow. If a guy loves you, respects you and wants to be with you, he will and you won't typically find yourself asking what he's done to show you that.

p.s. The guy never called me back when I called him to talk about this.

Starting Over

[forgot to publish from 7/11/09]

There are so many things in life that you have total control over.

I just moved to California for no apparent reason except to live. Whenever someone asked me what I was doing after graduation, all I could say was, "moving to LA," to which the common response was, "oh, do you have a job out there?"

Nope.

I drove out here blindly. I came here with an optomistic outlook, a Honda Civic full of my belongings and my best friend. I made the choice to do something I thought would be fantastic. Everything fell into place from there. I have a beautiful apartment, a great roomate and fun every day.

Before I left, I was terrified. One night, I cried to my mom, worried sick over what I was going to do as far as money and a job went. "What am I going to do????" I was so afraid of failing that I wasn't even allowing myself to be present in the moment, and let the future unfold. After driving the 2800 miles it took to my new home, I can finally say that I took control of my life for real, made my own happiness and I couldn't be happier.

One of the most important things my mom said to me to help me see this more clearly was that NO MATTER WHAT, you can't make things happen in any one specific way. You can choose what you want and do it, but as in doing anything else, you won't make it from point A to point B in one linear step. You'll go to point C, than to F, to Z. Such is life. Regardless, something will work out, as long as you keep close what you want with a smile on your face.

I had a point Z moment today. Today, my family changed. My mom made my alcoholic father leave. This breaks my heart. Here I am, 2800 miles from my mom, brother and sister whom I love more than anything and I can't even hug them. Or get a hug, for that fact. My dad is somewhere - who knows where doing who knows what - and all I can do is wonder. I wonder what will happen, I wonder if we'll be okay, I wonder if he'll find help or just fade out. I wonder if he'll live to see 60. This terrifies me. But I know somehow it will be okay. I'm really worried. But what good does that do? This is a scary, blind step in the right direction for my family. A new start, for the right reasons. All we can do is hope.