All These Things That I've Done

I did good this year.

In the spirit of reflection, I've decided to take a look back at the things I've accomplished (insert pat on the back here) and be seriously grateful as well as even more inspired.

This year certainly started with a sheBANG. I rang in the new year at my favorite local spot in New Brunswick, the Ale n' Wich. Condusive to smoking packs of cigarettes and drinking heavy-handed jack and cokes all while beating everyone at foosball, this place housed most of my college drinking. It got to the point where I was there six nights a week. Before I was 21. No lie.

Promptly after I jet-setted out to Disney World, fulfilling my life-long dream of overcoming my resentful childhood and setting foot in the world-renound land of magic...except I was doing this with my ex. Try taking a week-long vacation in Disney World with your ex-boyfriend sometime. Let me know how that goes.

Beginning of January = Kings of Leon concert at Madison Square Garden with Sarah. No words are good enough.

The end of January and on put me into full-responsibility mode with the Folk Festival. I lived in a house with all girls but essentially lived alone. Getting up at 6, going to bed at 2, spending the majority of my days at the Gatehouse (those who saw me through the NJFF know what's up). Occasionally I would get annihilated with Sarah and stumble home from whatever local bar was the flavor of the evening. Decided to move to LA & picked a random date: June 22nd.

Enter March-April. Greg floated in and out of my life, I thought maybe things could be right with us again. I still stayed focused on my own career (school) though and only became more diligent.

Last Saturday in April - 35th Annual New Jersey Folk Festival - I saw all of the hard work I never knew I could possibly accomplish manifest in one day. It was the best turnout of any folk festival ever and I had put it together. I have never had a child, but I imagine that this kind of joy is only ever rivaled by that. Some of the best folks I've ever met (pun absolutely intended) were a part of this team and I will never EVER forget what we all created together. Go New Jersey.

May rolled around and before I knew it, I was writing final papers and getting drunk at Senior Seminars wondering what life might be life after graduation. I knew I was headed for California but every time I would say it, it just sounded like a line; I heard it but I wasn't even sure that I believed it. I soaked up every minute though, partook in every senior activity. Sarah and I had become best friends and I savored every second of our careless Tuesdays at the Olive Branch. I don't think I've ever created so many memories in such a short amount of time. May 21st I graduated - a day I never thought I would see. Finishing something so big never seemed so awesome.

June was a month of soaking up everything I could. My mom and I did everything together - Phillies games, dinners, crying over fear of the future...June 22nd was the day I had planned on for so long and feared more than anything I've ever done. I had my graduation party two days before I moved and I never realized how many people I had in my life that really truly loved me. I said my goodbyes and on Monday morning, packed up my Honda Civic with my best friend in tow and embarked on the 3ooo mile journey to the West coast.

July was the buffer month. I soaked up the new fabulousness of living in LA. I went to the beach a few times a week, worked on my tan while I revamped my resume, went on interviews with no success but because I was in the honeymoon phase, I didn't really care what happened because I was in a state of total bliss...

July 31st was again one of the most joyful moments in my life. I watched my best friend Sarah get married. I cried like a bitch. Those two mean the world to me. My other best friend, Bryan, was the best date and I'm sure he'll never let me live down how I tried to convince him to be straight so I could wife him.

August came and went - a month of interviews and again, no success. Started to wonder what would become of me.

September hit me hard. What was I doing? Would I be successful? Would I make my life work? Was this all just some crazy pipe dream? I just kept going because I didn't know what else to do. Enter Starbucks.

October I finally landed my job - working at USC. I was able to quit my job at Starbucks and throw that fucking green hat out and right there and then vowed that I would do whatever it took to never make a latte with no foam at 180 degrees again. October was by far the most tumultuous month for me in every sense of the word. I never wish to relive that month; it was one of the worst of my life. I've never been so humbled and worn down in a thirty-day span.

November. Missing the seasons change actually got to me. I never though those annoying multi-colored leaves on the ground and sticking to my shoes would mean something. I never though seeing rain would be so impressive. I never anticipated how much I would miss my family.

December, here I am. I've never been so happy in my life. I have everything I could dream of and more. I have a spectacular life. I live in one of the most lively cities in the country, working at a world-class university, have an amazing apartment with my self-proclaimed soul-mate sleeping ten feet from me every night. I am dating a guy that is so wonderful that I quite frankly don't know what to do with. I feel so proud, so happy, so content and so ready for the next step.

Bring it on, 2010.

What did you resolve??

Drawing near Christmas and the New Year, I’ve begun to do a little bit of reflection. OK, a little is a serious understatement. I’ve been basically overanalyzing everything I’ve experienced in the past year, and trying to understand what the moral of the story is. For most, the ball-dropping, drunk-kissing, champagne-toasting New Year is the beginning of a new diet or a new hair color or a maybe a new single-gal start. This is all fine and dandy and even encouraged, but let us not forget those elusive resolutions from last year…

After all, resolutions imply that something is resolved. Something you wanted to change, you make a promise to resolve it. You want to lose weight? Resolve the issue you have with the ten pounds you want to shed. I actually am having a difficult time trying to remember what it is that I vowed to do for the year (defeating the resolution process) however in past years I can say I have had serious success in whatever I’ve promised to resolve. For instance, two years ago, I vowed to be more selfish. Being someone who has issues with standing up for myself or too often placating others before self, I felt that being more selfish would allow me not only to improve my personal sense of worth, but also help me to focus on getting done the things I wanted to do for myself.

Ok, so January 1^st – promises made. We walk (or stumble, depending on how you party on New Year’s Eve) into this new beginning. These resolutions are the nice ones, the ones you decide to do for yourself, the ones that you feel like you want to achieve because there is something about yourself or your behavior that you feel just isn’t up to par. But what about those times when it isn’t the New Year? When something accidentally happens to you that you must take a serious look at yourself right now and evaluate what you must do…I had a moment like this yesterday. I had a moment where I was embarrassed about something I’ve been analyzing about myself. I’ve been mentally formulating some kind of plan for myself to improve this aspect of me, but haven’t really solidified or followed through on any kind of plan. Someone once told me this brilliant jem of truth: “the difference between a dream and a goal is that if it is a goal, you have a plan with real attainable steps.” And so my little mental game of planning with no follow through means I had only been dreaming of what I wanted. And sometimes, it takes a rude awakening to push you into goal-mode.

And so, I was accidentally humiliated, unbeknownst to the other person who accidentally caused this scenario. I spent the night replayed the incident and cringing to myself, wishing it had never happened and letting my insecurities manifest themselves into self-pity and mascara-streaked tears. I mean, who really needs an outside reminder of what they already know and loathe?

Actually – we all do.

I was finally able to talk about my scenario with my other half and best friend and although she gave me the words of comfort we all seek when venting to someone, she also said something real and honest that only someone who truly loves you will tell you: take the insult and injury and run with it. Suck it up and use this humiliation for motivation. I’m not going to deny what happened and comfort myself with hollow ego-boosting adjectives. I’m going to start right now – right this minute, and start to do what needs to be done. It may have been somewhat of a resolution to me that I was planning on committing to when the New Year strikes, but now it has become a goal that starts right this very instant.

The best part of a resolution is the excitement of the end result. The best part of the end result is what you learned on your way there. I think a lot of failure (as far as resolutions go) has to do with the fact that people tend to replace the excitement with fear. Of course frustrations and roadblocks can send us into a tailspin to which we lose our visions, however, I feel like if you can really really get yourself excited about your potential to create whatever you want for yourself, you gain a sense of empowerment that will block out most of those frustrations. Believing that you can ACTUALLY do what you are trying to do is 90% of the battle. If you can see yourself in the place, use your motivation (even if it comes of a place of humiliation) and make one small conscious effort towards your goal after another, you will surely reap the benefits in no time. We all know when we’re really being diligent and when we’re not. I mean, c’mon – sleeping in those extra twenty minutes feels good at the moment but you know how awfully guilty you feel when it means you just missed your morning run…

And so here I am, t-minus three days until Christmas and tapping away at my keyboard being introspective and weird at work (see, I know I’m not being diligent at work here and I’m not afraid to admit it). I have created for myself a plan of diligence and discipline to achieve what I want that is simple: color inside the lines. I know, for myself, that if it isn’t easy, I won’t do it. I’m talking like, two or three steps max here. So for me, coloring inside the lines means two things: choosing and acting. Make choices that are in line with what I’m working toward and act in alignment with what I’m working toward. That’s it.

I’m looking forward to my success and I know I’ll achieve it because I can see it. A rude awakening was all it took (well, not “all it took” because that downplays how much of a punch in the face it was) for me to kick it into gear, and that’s just what I have to follow through on. As far as those nice little “next-year” resolutions, I’m going to have to dig a little deeper to uncover one of those really good ones that I can really stick to (“be a bitch” or “be more selfish”). I’m looking forward to another year of awesome personal growth and big leaps though – and that in itself is something to get excited about!!!