Empowerment (by mistake)

Thankfully for me, few and far between are the days when I wake up and say to myself, "oh shit."

An "oh shit" morning is never a good one to have. Circumstances under which these mornings (well, or afternoons depending on what kind of sleeper you are) occur include, but are most certainly not limited to:
- one night stands
- one night stands with a person who looked way different in the dark of the bar under the influence of five Long Island Iced Teas
- drunken texting your ex-boyfriend the night before
- oversleeping an important meeting
- falling asleep at your keyboard the night before your big term paper is due
- leaving your cell phone somewhere
- looking through your phone and seeing phone numbers saved under names like "Texas Ted" or "Drunk Bitch"
- realizing that the day before was your mother/brother/sister/best friend's birthday and you never called

All of these things may or may not have happened to you and me. Something similar happened to me last night. I drank too much and was so hung over this morning that I had to call out of work. And by "happened to me" I mean I was 100% responsible for that "happening."

That feeling is kind of diversified depending on the situation. First, there's that "HOLY SHIT" fire-under-your-booty at an ungodly hour of the morning because you realized you did something dumb or forgot something important. Secondly, there is the more subdued yet equally terrifying "ooooooooooohhh shit." In the latter, you might roll over instead of jump up, put your hand to your head, rub your eyes and feel instant nausea because you know you screwed up in some capacity.

Either way, the "oh shit" moment is something we all generally try to avoid.

Yes, I accomplished this today. Well, I supposed I accomplished it last night...regardless, I felt stupid and foolish for being irresponsible and letting myself act like an idiot when I have responsibilities to uphold. I have a job that pays me to be there and contribute and unfortunately, I did not keep up my end of the deal. I'm so careful and such a damn worry wart all of the time, and so when I do something wreckless it's my self-guilt that destroys me regardless if there are actual consequences to my actions.

Now, I won't get fired for not showing up. Honestly, there's no one that needs me directly. My work can wait till the next day to get done. There are no external punishments coming my way, which in turn, actually just makes the self-guilt worse. Now I know many are probably thinking this it dumb, that I'm making a post out of something that isn't a big deal, BUT! I'm not posting to just verbalize my insanity, I've reached a happier conclusion that makes all of my introspective madness a little less heavy.

My great friend Magdalena and I talked tonight for the first time in a while. She got engaged (!!!) and was telling me all about it, and when it was my turn to dish, I of course gave her the details on my fabulous life (the best version of myself and life ever) - the boy, the job, the adventures - but I also had to dish about the "at-this-very-moment" feeling of disappointment in myself. After all, I didn't get to where I am today by doing stupid things and being irresponsible and I LOATHE the feeling that results by doing so. She brought up an example of how this very incident repeated itself a few months back. We had gone out to dinner with a friend of hers, Joe, to sushi. Sushi was followed by Karaoke Night at the local Hulihan's (keeping it classy) where Joe proceeded to get me crazy drunk by buying drink after drink where I then decided that it would be a GREAT idea to sing "Hotel California" in front of a room of strangers (something I try to avoid). Needless to say, I didn't make it to work the next day and I had to fetch my car in the middle of the afternoon with extremely oversized sunglasses. I felt terrible, had missed a class or two that day in addition to work. It was bad.

But honestly, looking back, I realized that it was a memory, it was just something I silly I did when I was 22 and it really didn't have any larger implications. And sometimes, we just have to accept our stupid moments and embrace them as just that. Sometimes it's okay to be just flat-out dumb. Because looking back, it's alright. It didn't hurt anyone but me. It didn't teach me anything in particular except try to not do that again (I mean, if we're being honest here). Sometimes these things can be not a learning experience but instead a stepping stone, a starting point, or something like that. It reminds me that sometimes I worry too much and get stressed out about over planning and having everything turn out a certain way in my life.

I have had a terrible day brooding over this and after having this talk and following thought process I feel like I've become slightly more empowered. Magdalena said to me, "there will be plenty of things in life that will beat you up and try to take you out, so honestly, you don't have to be the one to add to that," which I thought was absolutely brilliant. I'm not saying that I shouldn't be accountable, only that sometimes you just have to let go of the stress of messing up.

It makes me feel better thinking that I should give myself a hug sometimes rather than beat myself up, you know?

Forgive my wandering thoughts here, sometimes I find a clear idea in a very non-linear way...

I leave this post feeling a little more together, with a little more direction and a tad less shamed. Sometimes I hate how over-analytical I am and how my mind is so detailed oriented and overworked with an endless flow of acute self-awareness. It's exhausting! But on the other hand, being this way allows me to gain a deeper understanding of myself and others. It's a gift in that way, this ability to dig deeper than most, because in the end, it's what allows me to have such special relationships with those I love.

Yea, I'm pretty damn special!

Cheers (apple juice),

Me