a poem that uses the word "armpit" is still art

I love Walt Whitman for a multitude of reasons. He was a dandy man, openly flamboyant in a time of rigid, puritanical American school of thought. Mr. Whitman wrote confusing cryptic poems that used words like "armpit" which was totally absurd to most. He wrote the same poem for close to twenty years but would change and build on it every time he published a new copy. The man was a little eccentric. But, he did write the following words which have totally touched me since I first read them in the basement classroom of a bland 1970s Rutgers academic building:

"I celebrate myself,
and what I assume you shall assume..."

I feel like what Whitman is saying is that you decide who you are, set the example of how you want to be treated and other will follow suit. This idea that you determine what gives you value is so vital to our everyday lives an seemingly insignificant to most, probably, but I feel as if this is something I sometimes struggle with.

Last night, over a few Miller Lites, I discussed with my dear friend the topic of personal faults. I find that mine tend to all revolve around my struggle with self-respect and being confident in my worth. More detailed issues spawn from this; I find that I fear that others won't respect my opinion and also I don't usually give myself any credit for how smart I actually am or the things I've accomplished. I tend to be in awe of others' capabilities, smarts and charm and don't see those things in myself. Now, these fears or faults or whatever you choose to call them don't run my everyday life; I don't live in fear and self-loathing, but these issues will selectively rear their little ugly heads on occasion, and when they do, I start to feel like I'm shrinking.

Being a hypersensitive person, I find that growing up I felt like I was what others told me I was - stupid, fat, ugly, weird, dorky, whatever. I thought, well, if that's what others see, then everyone must see that too, right? I accepted what others labeled me as true because I was a child and that's what you do when you're young and impressionable. I continued with that train of thinking for quite sometime. It wasn't until I came into my own more during my last years of high school and then in college that I came to respect my own opinions and ideas and looks, etc.

I learned to speak my mind and think unconventionally and be confident in that, but my fear of what I can only assume to be emotional rejection (it could be seeking approval, I'm not sure which best fits) still lingers in ways. It's like this: I can get mad and pissed off about something and I'm usually right (it sounds bad but hey, I have like a 94% success rate and being right I think, lol), but when it comes down to confrontation, I get pretty uncomfortable. No one likes confrontation unless you're say, a lawyer, I suppose. But this is fairly unhealthy thinking in the sense that I automatically become fearful of that other person rejecting me or not respecting or listening to what I'm saying. It just goes back to not having the sense of self-worth that I deserve to hold for myself.

It's kind of funny writing this out loud (I think that's the correct blogging phraseology for this) because when I re-read the last paragraph, it sounds pretty embarrassingly, honestly, and makes me feel almost defensive of my own thoughts. I want to be like, "hey, I'm better than that!" because, lets be honest, these aren't exactly the kind of traits we would want to write down on a job application...I can just picture the reaction you might get if you filled out a job questionnaire on an interview like so:

Question: What would you say are your weaknesses?
Answer: Well, sir, I find that I have a hard time always asserting my self-worth to myself.

...probably would end up with an "um, oh." and a "we will be getting back to you soon..." and you are shooed out of the office.

Although I have to say, it does makes me slightly happy because then I know I'm able to progress if I instantly know that I deserve better for myself. You can't make something better for yourself if you aren't aware of what the issue is, you know?

I'm constantly looking to try and improve myself in ways and understanding these faults or issues is the first step toward making that happen. I always try to speak up regardless of whether I feel comfortable or not simply because I know I need to do it to get used to that. And therein lies the wonderful, lovely, inspiring truth in what Whitman has to say.

I must learn to celebrate myself. The last two years of my life I've learned to do a better job of that which I'm happy about. If you don't celebrate the ins and outs of who you are - the clumsiness, the way you stutter when you're flabbergasted, the way you snore at night, the crooked middle bottom tooth that shows when you smile, your inability to be suave, your nerdiness, your over analyzation, your everything - if you don't celebrate these you run the risk of self-loathing and eternal frustration. Celebrate yourself, dammit!

And in this celebration of yourself allows other to celebrate yourself too - when you walk with your head down with the fear of others running into you, they will. When you walk down the street with your head up and your shoulders back and a smile on your face like you own the whole damn sidewalk, then you will be regarded that way.

Flaws and personal struggles are okay. They're good, they help us find out what we want to improve to make ourselves a better. You have to teach yourself that you deserve respect and love from others, all flaws included.

Love yourself, and others will follow.

Empowerment (by mistake)

Thankfully for me, few and far between are the days when I wake up and say to myself, "oh shit."

An "oh shit" morning is never a good one to have. Circumstances under which these mornings (well, or afternoons depending on what kind of sleeper you are) occur include, but are most certainly not limited to:
- one night stands
- one night stands with a person who looked way different in the dark of the bar under the influence of five Long Island Iced Teas
- drunken texting your ex-boyfriend the night before
- oversleeping an important meeting
- falling asleep at your keyboard the night before your big term paper is due
- leaving your cell phone somewhere
- looking through your phone and seeing phone numbers saved under names like "Texas Ted" or "Drunk Bitch"
- realizing that the day before was your mother/brother/sister/best friend's birthday and you never called

All of these things may or may not have happened to you and me. Something similar happened to me last night. I drank too much and was so hung over this morning that I had to call out of work. And by "happened to me" I mean I was 100% responsible for that "happening."

That feeling is kind of diversified depending on the situation. First, there's that "HOLY SHIT" fire-under-your-booty at an ungodly hour of the morning because you realized you did something dumb or forgot something important. Secondly, there is the more subdued yet equally terrifying "ooooooooooohhh shit." In the latter, you might roll over instead of jump up, put your hand to your head, rub your eyes and feel instant nausea because you know you screwed up in some capacity.

Either way, the "oh shit" moment is something we all generally try to avoid.

Yes, I accomplished this today. Well, I supposed I accomplished it last night...regardless, I felt stupid and foolish for being irresponsible and letting myself act like an idiot when I have responsibilities to uphold. I have a job that pays me to be there and contribute and unfortunately, I did not keep up my end of the deal. I'm so careful and such a damn worry wart all of the time, and so when I do something wreckless it's my self-guilt that destroys me regardless if there are actual consequences to my actions.

Now, I won't get fired for not showing up. Honestly, there's no one that needs me directly. My work can wait till the next day to get done. There are no external punishments coming my way, which in turn, actually just makes the self-guilt worse. Now I know many are probably thinking this it dumb, that I'm making a post out of something that isn't a big deal, BUT! I'm not posting to just verbalize my insanity, I've reached a happier conclusion that makes all of my introspective madness a little less heavy.

My great friend Magdalena and I talked tonight for the first time in a while. She got engaged (!!!) and was telling me all about it, and when it was my turn to dish, I of course gave her the details on my fabulous life (the best version of myself and life ever) - the boy, the job, the adventures - but I also had to dish about the "at-this-very-moment" feeling of disappointment in myself. After all, I didn't get to where I am today by doing stupid things and being irresponsible and I LOATHE the feeling that results by doing so. She brought up an example of how this very incident repeated itself a few months back. We had gone out to dinner with a friend of hers, Joe, to sushi. Sushi was followed by Karaoke Night at the local Hulihan's (keeping it classy) where Joe proceeded to get me crazy drunk by buying drink after drink where I then decided that it would be a GREAT idea to sing "Hotel California" in front of a room of strangers (something I try to avoid). Needless to say, I didn't make it to work the next day and I had to fetch my car in the middle of the afternoon with extremely oversized sunglasses. I felt terrible, had missed a class or two that day in addition to work. It was bad.

But honestly, looking back, I realized that it was a memory, it was just something I silly I did when I was 22 and it really didn't have any larger implications. And sometimes, we just have to accept our stupid moments and embrace them as just that. Sometimes it's okay to be just flat-out dumb. Because looking back, it's alright. It didn't hurt anyone but me. It didn't teach me anything in particular except try to not do that again (I mean, if we're being honest here). Sometimes these things can be not a learning experience but instead a stepping stone, a starting point, or something like that. It reminds me that sometimes I worry too much and get stressed out about over planning and having everything turn out a certain way in my life.

I have had a terrible day brooding over this and after having this talk and following thought process I feel like I've become slightly more empowered. Magdalena said to me, "there will be plenty of things in life that will beat you up and try to take you out, so honestly, you don't have to be the one to add to that," which I thought was absolutely brilliant. I'm not saying that I shouldn't be accountable, only that sometimes you just have to let go of the stress of messing up.

It makes me feel better thinking that I should give myself a hug sometimes rather than beat myself up, you know?

Forgive my wandering thoughts here, sometimes I find a clear idea in a very non-linear way...

I leave this post feeling a little more together, with a little more direction and a tad less shamed. Sometimes I hate how over-analytical I am and how my mind is so detailed oriented and overworked with an endless flow of acute self-awareness. It's exhausting! But on the other hand, being this way allows me to gain a deeper understanding of myself and others. It's a gift in that way, this ability to dig deeper than most, because in the end, it's what allows me to have such special relationships with those I love.

Yea, I'm pretty damn special!

Cheers (apple juice),

Me

good things happen to those who dream

and so I've derailed my norm and have actually been writing more than once every three months...

Here I am. A new year. 2010. Doesn't it sound so big? It sounds scary, like I should be expecting some big boom of sorts. I think we all are, though, aren't we?

I finally went back into my journal and my blog to dig out what my promise was to myself last year. I wanted to be more honest with myself. I wanted to recognize my faults (or greatness, depending on who you are asking, heh) and really try to clean out my closet. I wanted to be true to myself in various ways. I can't say for certain that I feel as if I've truly accomplished this in any tangible way. I think I rid myself fairly well of things I felt like were a lie - relationships with people that weren't especially great for me, habits I wanted to eliminate, etc...I feel like I didn't do a great job of keeping this frame of mind, though. Perhaps I was busy with other changes in life that maybe led me to indirectly clearing out my closet, i.e. moving clear across the country, however, I didn't really consistently keep this train of thought in mind.

In past years, I would remind myself of my resolution on a regular basis - being a bigger bitch, being more selfish, etc., but this year I feel as if I fell a bit short of this particular goal. Recognizing my shortcomings has prompted me to create a new and improved resolution that I feel I can identify with and...remember? This is to be more timely.

I once had an ex whom, among many other things, was (in short) - a dick. Always rude and judgemental, he once said to me (half jesting, half serious), "YOU ARE LATE FOR EVERYTHING!" I was flabbergasted! Me?!?! Not taking critique well, I scoffed and, annoyed, denied this (what I thought) artificial truth and kept my stride. But then I realized, he was right. I was always the last person to class. I always was the last to my meetings. I was always the one saying I would be ten minutes when I would be thirty. I have zero concept of time and space. Thus, this year, despite my expertise in planning and structure, have zeroed in on a fault I would very much like to edit.

I think in addition to be physically devoted to this quest, I would also like to be mentally attached to this also. You can be late for an event, but you also can put off something you desire to do. I want to not only be prompt but to grab whatever it is I'm dreaming of and grab it by the balls and say, "hey, right now, let's do this." I've always been envious of others who are able to take and tow and so now, in this moment, I want to vow to become that person.

Transformation across time is a wonderful thing. I've quite recently turned into this person that dreams and does, something that the Me of three years ago would mock while I sucked down my Marlboro light in my skinny jeans outside of whatever academic building I was waiting for class outside of. I remember quite clearly the day that I woke up in the late afternoon from an insomnia-driven half-coma and cried because I had dropped all of my classes except Folk Festival and wanted to just flat-out quit college. I didn't know or believe that I deserved better. I had been on a depression-driven (literally, ha) roller coaster for years and years and was convinced that I was only as good as my coffee and substance high could get me. I had overly-introspective issues about what I was destined for. I was convinced that my purpose in life was to suffer while others prospered. It took me a long and difficult while to get my act together and finally understand that there is a greater life and self beyond what might seem feasible, something which is only truly achievable through dreaming and doing. My first real flirtation with believing and doing was with quitting smoking, and then after conquering that, becoming folk festival Manager and becoming a runner and growing into myself mentally. The more I tried and won, the more I realized that anything is possible.

And so regardless if you're late for everything (me) or just wanting to improve some part of yourself (me+you), the power is in your ideas, your thoughts and your dreams. I feel like I have come a million and a half miles from where I started, and knowing that I can go five million-plus more is an overwhelming and invigorating feeling. I now have everything I deserve and much, much more. Waking up every day and being excited about what's next is the best damn feeling in the world.

I can only keep dreaming and keep stepping one foot in front of the other, but having the faith that I'll get to where I want to be is what will get me there. If you haven't already experimented with a little walk on the dreamer's side, I recommend you do so.

Good things come to those who dare to dream