Time for Honesty

I called up my favorite counterpart to spill my guts about my crazy 2009 so far today and had a great conversation. Things were cut short by my date to see Bride Wars (SO GOOD!) however we always can get in something profound in any amount of time...

I've had a great and eventful year thus far. I rang in the year low-key (which I was thrilled about because I think New Years is way overrated), then immediately embarked on a vacation to Disney World, marking my first trio to the famed resort and theme park at age 22. It was still amazingly magical at 22 though! I finally got back, came back down from my travelling warm-weather high and took some major revelations away from these past 12 days.

I realized that I'm learning to be honest with myself. In past years, I've tried out some new resolutions - but they're always over-arching ideas like "be more selfish" or "have more fun"...this year I'm coming around again with another general resolution: Be more honest with myself. I'm happy with these past resolutions because the less specific resolutions are, I think the easier they are to make happen! And so being honest with myself is an easy thing to remember, so hopefully I'll stick to it.

For a long time I was back and forth about a relationship that was a huge part of my life. For two years I went back and forth...I have this rule (this may seem irrelevant but I swear it will make sense) when I go shopping. If I don't love it, I don't buy it. If I'm ever on the fence, I just leave it behind. I should have done this a while ago with this relationship. I was often on the fence about it and I didn't love it, so I shouldn't have bought into it. But I learned to be more straightforward, I learned to do what is right for me, and I'm learning to try to be more honest with my feelings instead of wasting time complicating everything with "what to do" issues.

I recently (and by recently, I mean like a few days ago) realized that I've been wanting to move out to California ever since my freshman year of college. I was entranced by the beauty and the weather and the atmosphere (not talking about the smog, lol) there. Here is NJ I use a special lamp for light therapy to avoid Seasonal Affective Disorder. Being in a warmer, sunnier, happier climate is better for me. It's what I want. It's what I've wanted since I had a taste of it. Every time I come back east I want to fly back west (passed out on Xanax though so I don't get that horrible anxiety that comes with turbulance). I love it - so why not buy it?

This is what I want and this is what I'm ready for. I'm tired of looking at things I used to be intimidated by coveting them. I'm going to do it and I'll figure out the rest when I get there. This isn't just talking about a dream, this is life, and ready to be honest with how I feel about actually doing it.

My "thing" in life (everyone has a "thing") is that I have zero regrets. I regret absolutely nothing because everything in life has shaped me into where I am today. And I never want to regret anything in the future because I wasn't honest with myself. Being more honest with myself will only help me see things clearer, sooner.

I'm ready for graduating, I'm ready for the life that I'm gonna tell my kids about and be proud of - I'm ready for life in general. I've had the most colorful past thus far, why settle now?

I love it, and I'm buying it!

xoxo with a big ol' kiss,
Me

Carrie & Me

I just finished watching the Sex & the City movie, which I had purchased pre-viewed from Blockbuster because I knew I would watch it a thousand times. That was over a month ago, and do you know how many times I watched it since I've bought it? Once. Tonight.

I'm actually not much of a movie gal. I typically only watch a movie under two circumstances: 1) I am forced to watch whatever the movie may be due to school/someone else it watching a movie when I walk into a room and 2) It's something I truly want to see. In the case of the latter, I usually just go to the movie alone. However I create a third category for myself tonight: watching a movie for emotional escape and as therapy for a breakup.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night. I had no intention of doing so - but when I went to go see him, and I looked him in the face, I didn't see my future. I saw my frustrations, the same problems I've had for two years. In the face of that I was confronted with my second worst fear of being alone, but also my first - being with the wrong person.

In long relationships, whether it be your girlfriend or your boyfriend or your friend or whatever the relationship may be, you have to be happy with that other person. And it needs to be 95% of the time. If it's not, and it's only half, or less, then you are doing yourself a disservice by sticking around. Leaving is the hard part...it's so much easier to hang around for the moments where it actually IS good, but waiting for those is enduring the ugly.

Walking away sucks. But doesn't the right thing usually suck??

I am so sad right now. I used half a box of tissues while crying with Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte through their two and a half hour adventure. I miss and loved those good things, but I'll never trade myself for the times where I waited for it to be better again.

Crying is okay, I think sometimes we have to just get it out and mourn for the loss, but just remember that it was the right thing.

Love always and with abundant joy,
me xoxo

Opening Scene

Today started out innocently enough.
Woke up a lil later than expected.
Showered.
Discovered there was a boot on my car.
BAM! There it is. No matter how positive I tried to be between yesterday and today, sometimes you can't fight everything.

I freaked out - after all, what's not to freak out about? There is a BOOT on my CAR - I can't move it and I have to pay money to take it off - oh, and I think I forgot to mention that this was all because I had three outstanding parking tickets - which results in a headache when it's all said and done. In essence, I didn't pay my parking tickets, so I paid for it with a boot, $150, and a headache.

Lesson learned: pay parking tickets on time. Better yet - don't get them. Check and check.

However, in this, I had to suck it up and take care of the situation at hand. I had to stop my tears, read the instructions on the bright orange sticker left on my car. I took care of everything within a half an hour, and within two hours, I was able to just try to laugh it off (maybe I was just scoffing at my frustration with the NB Parking Authority) to get past it.

This is my attitude, this is who I am now. I'm still working on it, but the true essence of my being is just that: When I am challenged with something that seems so sudden or maybe a little scary, I freak out for a minute. But then I get my bearings and just deal with it. I'm trying every day to take challenges and make them accomplishments. I'm also trying to create challenges by setting goals and achieving this...

Hi, I'm Beth, and now I'm a blogger!