the trickle-down effect

In the time spanning my most recent post, (not the test one, obviously) I've come a long way. Somewhat reluctantly. But I've come a ways.

Last I left my dear audience of about two, I was coming undone over a relationship that had ended. I was writing through my broken heart which unfortunately, still aches, as I wondered what the next step for me would be. Getting dumped came at a strange time for me; I felt like I was at a momentary apex, but I was starting to fe like my chest was beginning to fall inwards from that exquisite, drawn-in breath.

I was having a life-high. Everything was grand. The best life had been, actually. Great location, good job, meeting interesting new people every day, fantastic boyfriend and all other relationships doing extremely well. I felt proud of all that I had achieved and felt like I deserved them. I've always been a hard worker, but more recently become a chance-taker. I'm extraordinarily proud of myself for the gambling I've done based on what my heart has suggested I do. This most recent, best version of me was yielding amazing wealth in every facet of my life.

And so came this blow that was the last knockout of the match. I had gone a couple rounds of getting knocked down - feeling truly depressed again, feeling increasingly unsatisfied in my relationship, feeling unfufilled in my job with little-to-no extracurricular activities keeping me busy - and that was the final right hook. I needed to collapse for a bit while and let my head spin while the ref counted to ten. I was, and still slightly am, out for the count.

Did you ever put puzzles together as a child? I loved puzzles and they were always a family activity for myself and my siblings. We would go to the Jersey Shore on vacation for a week, and to prevent us from watching TV, my mom would buy us 100-piece puzzles at the five and dime (yes, they still have one in Ocean City, NJ) to pass the down time and to bond, I suppose. I loved them. They were beautiful and lovely, these individual, intricately cut pieces, coming together to form a picturesque scene that really didn't matter. And then, when we were all done standing over this puzzle on whatever table it was on with our hands on our hips for an awkward amount of time, one of us would look at the other and give the signal of destruction. I swear to God, I can still see us in slow-motion, all running toward that puzzle at the same time, wanting to rip it apart, only to rebuild the next one. We would make sure not ONE piece was left hooked to it's neighbor. I think that's about how I felt this past week. Like a hundred pieces randomly scattered about with only the box to hold me. And the pretty cover with what it's supposed to look like on the front.

And so since Saturday, I've let myself feel whatever it is that I needed to feel. Exposed, sad, angry, enraged, confused, broken. I didn't bother trying to pick up all the pieces because I just knew that if I tried to put it all back together too soon, it just would become frustrating. I've learned in the past and I suppose that I'm remembering it all again in the present that sometimes things must come undone in order for there to be a reconstruction. I forgot this about myself - that after the greatest fall comes my greatest strength.

It's scary feeling like things are falling through your fingers and that you might not actually be able to control everything in your life. But sometimes instead of scrambling, just ride it out. You have to let go every once in a while.

I did this. I was originally going to give myself a month to feel whatever I needed to and act out in any way I needed to in order to get it out of my system, but I've found after one week that I'm not sure I truly need all that time. In this past seven days, I've cried for everything, drank too much, screamed in my car, flipped people off, smoked too many cigarettes, been a bitch, etc. This week seemed to have tired me out though, and here I am on day seven, coming to a point of reconciliation. I'm starting to get over my breakup as well as some of the other things that were overwhelming my mind. Part of that was out of my control - the guy never contacted me at all which made for a strange cut; strange in that my mind deserved to not me tormented by a teaser of any sort, which was something that equally tormented my heart. Ironically enough, I had actually given him the link to my blog about a week before he broke up with me so he could hear my writing. I suppose if you're finally getting around to reading this, well, I'm not sure who should feel more embarrassed.

I know I feel better when I say cynical things out loud and then seconds later realize I don't believe it.

I had a discussion this week that accidentally put some things in perspective for me. It was a discussion meant for my own personal well-being in that I was trying to find more information about doing a PhD in American Studies. My mentor, a former professor of mine and an amazingly gifted individual, Dr. Michael Aaron Rockland, had set aside some time for us to talk about his experiences in getting his higher education. We began with a Q&A format: I asked about how he chose his school, how he paid for the program, the question of whether or not to get an MA first, the financial gamble in the academic career realm and also the possibility of getting a PhD in History or English to broaden my career opportunities. I was feeling frustrated because I didn't want to be logical about something I'm so passionate about. Then the conversation made a turn. He said to me, "Beth, look. I can tell you all your options, I can give you all the information head-on, but I don't want to be the one discouraging something that you love. If you know that this is what you want, follow your heart."

He went on to tell me about how every decision he has ever made that has brought him great wealth in life has been because he did exactly what his heart told him to do. I felt electric. For a long time in my life I felt like I did what I thought was "right" instead of trusting my gut. But those times where I listened to what my very inner core was telling me, I shone brighter than I ever had before. I listened to his incredible stories of passion about being drafted into the military and being a cultural attache and spending time with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and his experiences becoming a dean at Rutgers, founding the American Studies Department, his marriage choices, his children, his authorship, his 28 rejections before having his first book published which then went on to become a New York Time's "Notable Books" - the man used his internal compass to find his direction and has flourished. In a world where everyone tells you to look both ways before crossing, sometimes you just have to trust your instincts and leap.

This lit a fire in my heart, in my mind.

We spoke further and he said two more things that stuck to me. The first being that no matter what, you should always be yourself across the board. If you do what you love, you will succeed the most in that. Additionally, if you allow yourself to do what you love, your professional life as well as your personal life will be one. Having fluidity between these two, I feel, is admirable and something I desperately dream of having in my life. I think about those I look up to most in life, and in every single instance, they are folks that are and do exactly as they are. My mom, for example, is that kind of person. She is a neonatal nurse, is such a caretaker to her children and all those around her, is a rock of a woman-mother figure, is a pro-life activist as well as a devout Catholic. I may not necessarily agree with her points of view, but by God, that woman is a beacon of light to all those who surround her. She upholds her sense of self regardless of what others around her may think. I want to be an academic and a purveyor and diffuser of knowledge. I dream of teaching others as well as being someone who learns from all of my experiences. I know I will be this person and I like to think I'm already in the making...

The second thing that Dr. Rockland said to me was that he has no regrets in life. I too feel this exact sentiment and it's been my mantra for quite some time now. I have had a truly dark and difficult personal past and I know that regardless of every bad or good decision I've ever made, each of those choices has shaped me into who I am today. I like who I am and I respect all of the bad and the good, and thus I regret nothing. I can honestly and openly speak on each one of my life-instances and feel like I could offer some piece of knowledge to someone through these experiences. I have nothing to be ashamed of and I am very proud of that.

And so this conversation of false reality and truth and hopes and dreams and finally, excitement, has led me to believe that I, in fact, have perhaps fallen down and can not-so-simply regroup. I will be okay. I've done this before under a different facade and I will once again prevail a stronger gal than I was in the first place. I always have been happiest and reaped the greatest wealth from following my heart.

And so this week of self-reflection and analyzing has taught me many things I would like to work on, but also that it is definitely okay to feel, to be, and to grow. There needs to be a balance in life between control and focus amongst the desire to just "go with the flow."

I've lived and loved and worked hard and fallen and come back again. And I will once more.