Coming Around Again

I have a college education. I'm a successful woman. I'm resourceful. I've written 30 pages of a thesis. I'm excellent at making things happen. So why is it that I'm so unreasonable as far as men go?

How is it that I can lock myself in a library and face a terrifying paper topic with confidence and a sound mind, but I can't call a guy to tell him what I'm thinking without feeling like I'm going to throw up?

I've been reading this book by Tucker Max, called I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, and just recently finished a short story about how Tucker realized he got played. A girl had come over to his house before she went on a date to simply fellate him. Before she went on a date with some poor, unsuspecting fool. Tucker laughs to himself, feels slightly sorry for the dude, but overall revels in his mind about how much better he is than this stupid other guy because he can get what he wants without buying dinner...all before realizing that this exact scenario has most likely happened to him unknowingly. Just like he has played others, he has been played in the same way. This realization brought him off his high horse that is so prevelant in his book of absurd, hilarious and terrifyingly true stories.


I have been played, my friend. Played not in the sense that my date gave someone else head before going out with me, but played as in having someone tell me one thing while doing completely the other thing. I, like Tucker, thought I knew better, thought I could evade these situations because I'm smarter and more intuitive than other people. But let me tell you, no one can beat the house.

Let's back it up and make this statement loud and clear: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

In so many ways and relationships I have realized this recently. I was blown off by good friends on my BIRTHDAY. MY BIRTHDAY!! I got the dance-around. I called everyone out on their bullshit, and they still didn't own up. People really underestimate the power of being straightforward. It's unfair and childish to beat around the bush on ANY situation if you already know you won't follow through. Being straightforward won't eliminate disappointment, but it will certainly eliminate any kind of distrust or pissed-off-ness on behalf of the person you are letting down. So I got blown off on my birthday. Pissed? Yes. But the action of not being honest, not apologizing over the phone (facebook is not a proper outlet for a fucking apology), that tells me that you just are afraid, cowardly and it makes me question your character. I like to think that if I fuck up, I will admit to my wrongs, be sincere in my apology and try to move on with that person because I care about them. Not having that same level of respect returned tells me that you don't value me as a friend. It's as simple as that.

I was violated again yesterday/today. The guy who has been that one that I've compared everyone to, the one I always go back to, the one who I've loved to my core - he showed me his true colors. We had a psuedo-relationship before I moved to CA, with the attitude that we would go our separate ways and keep each other in the back of our minds, and someday reunite. I really believed that we would work out one day. I think I might have even thought we might get married one day. A thought which usually repulses me, I considered for a moment. In the final days before my departure as well as the time I've been here, I've realized the insincerity of this dude. Bringing this full circle, I'd like to reinforce my idea regarding the belief that actions speak louder than words.

This guy says the most ridiculous shit to me. He tells me he would love to move out to California some day. Tells me he loves me. Tells me he misses me. Tells me I'm wonderful and great and blah blah blah. Words, 1, Actions, 0.

This guy wrote me a "love note" of some sort when I left, which I STILL can't figure out what it says (it literally said everything and absolutely nothing at the same time). Words, 2, Actions, 0.

He talks to me at least 4 times a week, but I've only actually gotten 1 phone call since I've left. Words, 3, Actions 0.

He conveniently left out the fact that he hung out with my best friend on the 4th of July on two separate occasions when I asked him how his holiday was. I think he should lose a few points on the "actions" side for this one seeing as this is negative actions. Words, 3, Actions, -100.

He has continued to hang out with my best friend, to which I am certain they have hooked up. Words, 3, Actions, -1200.

As you can see, these patterns of doing and saying do not line up. I have chose to ignore this imbalance for quite some time because I wasn't using any sliver of common sense. I told myself he was "different" (yes, laugh please), told myself he had grown up from the selfish person he used to be (false also) and convinced myself that our connection was greater than anyone I had ever known. The sad part is, I also realize now that I am surely not the only victim of his disgusting charade. Oh, to think you are "special" is so naive.

I'm angry at him, I'm angry at the friend I thought was a good friend. I am most upset with myself with not being more logical. Not using my educated, smart-witted and clever side to sniff this rodent problem out. I am sad I let this get in my mind and take up any time in my life. But lesson learned. I don't mean to sound so militant about this, but you have to use your head sometimes. Following your heart and falling in love is not out of the question, but if you find youself hearing a bunch of hollow promises with no action to back it up, it's ONLY hollow. If a guy loves you, respects you and wants to be with you, he will and you won't typically find yourself asking what he's done to show you that.

p.s. The guy never called me back when I called him to talk about this.

Starting Over

[forgot to publish from 7/11/09]

There are so many things in life that you have total control over.

I just moved to California for no apparent reason except to live. Whenever someone asked me what I was doing after graduation, all I could say was, "moving to LA," to which the common response was, "oh, do you have a job out there?"

Nope.

I drove out here blindly. I came here with an optomistic outlook, a Honda Civic full of my belongings and my best friend. I made the choice to do something I thought would be fantastic. Everything fell into place from there. I have a beautiful apartment, a great roomate and fun every day.

Before I left, I was terrified. One night, I cried to my mom, worried sick over what I was going to do as far as money and a job went. "What am I going to do????" I was so afraid of failing that I wasn't even allowing myself to be present in the moment, and let the future unfold. After driving the 2800 miles it took to my new home, I can finally say that I took control of my life for real, made my own happiness and I couldn't be happier.

One of the most important things my mom said to me to help me see this more clearly was that NO MATTER WHAT, you can't make things happen in any one specific way. You can choose what you want and do it, but as in doing anything else, you won't make it from point A to point B in one linear step. You'll go to point C, than to F, to Z. Such is life. Regardless, something will work out, as long as you keep close what you want with a smile on your face.

I had a point Z moment today. Today, my family changed. My mom made my alcoholic father leave. This breaks my heart. Here I am, 2800 miles from my mom, brother and sister whom I love more than anything and I can't even hug them. Or get a hug, for that fact. My dad is somewhere - who knows where doing who knows what - and all I can do is wonder. I wonder what will happen, I wonder if we'll be okay, I wonder if he'll find help or just fade out. I wonder if he'll live to see 60. This terrifies me. But I know somehow it will be okay. I'm really worried. But what good does that do? This is a scary, blind step in the right direction for my family. A new start, for the right reasons. All we can do is hope.

Things that come and go...

There are many things that come and go in life:

High school, came and went. Memorable moments: sophomore year & my great friend Colleen whom I went through everything with at the time. junior year and meeting my great love. Senior year and making what I thought were "rest of my life" decisions.

College: making it through my first year. Transferring after my freshman year. Making my new life at Rutgers. Meeting more boyfriends, leaving them for a better life. Choosing to do a 5th year and being proud of it. Running the New Jersey Folk Festival which I now live and breathe. Having new great friends by my side.

There were a couple of things and people consistent among the change - family, my state of mind, the ambitions I felt in my heart for so long...

Today I finalized one of those dreams, I signed an apartment in LA with my cousin, Caiti and made the next step. I'm thrilled and so grateful to have followed my dream, my instinct and my heart. Reflecting on where I've come from and where I'm about to go is obviously inevitable.

No matter who you are or where you've come from, it's always the past that's put you there. I'm one of those people who loves retrospect - I mean, how can you not? Thinking about all the paths you've chosen and all the outcomes you've had and what you've learned from all of them...I mean, really, past IS prologue (just ask the statue on the National Archives in D.C. where that famous phrase is inscribed forever) and it's just like one long "choose your own adventure" book!!

I have a younger brother who I wish I could wrap up retrospect and give to. But he'll learn on his own. He's beautiful in himself. He'll prosper no doubt.

This is all generally just a loaded "thank you" to the destiny I have worked so hard to achieve, but I mean it with all my heart and soul. Putting your life together into some comprehensive, something legible to yourself and others (in a far second to yourself) is probably the hardest thing I've ever hard to do, and surely something I'll work to complete forever. I feel like it's so easy to go through the motions of what your supposed to do, but figuring out and following through on what you truly WANT is the most damn difficult thing in the world! I watch so many of the people I know and love settle for a certain future. I'm not one to judge, I just see the gleam in their eyes, and then I see the doubt they cloud themselves with.

I recently was laid off from my part-time job. It's a funny story, actually:

I came into work on a Friday. My great friend Magdalena was in the cube adjacent to me, and I stopped in before setting my things down to say good morning.
"Hey sweetie," she said, "how long will you be here today?"
"For as long as I can stand it," I scoffed and joked.
Within an hour I was having the door of my bosses office shut behind me (which is undoubtedly trouble) being given a speech on how they're cutting hours back and I should "basically find another job to replace this one."
My heart rate jumped with my heart, and after walking out to run to the bathroom to freak out, I stopped myself mid-tear while wondering "what am I going to do," and realized that I hated my job. Why was I so upset? I was working the less-than-stellar office job, sitting on my ass, contributing nothing, and hating every second of it. I was upset because my norm had been disrupted in a complicated time in my life and I was totally thrown off. I didn't cry over the job, I cried over the stress of money and maybe some PMS and that was it. I walked away that day with a little bit of humility and definitely a renewed perspective.

Fast-forward to today. It's my spring break of my senior year of college. I'm in this college town that more resembles a ghost town than anything right now, dog sitting a quasi-crazy dog belonging to my roommate, with no job, nothing to do, and nothing to take my mind off the fact that I have nothing to do. I lamented in the realization that I haven't been productive lately, although my attempts to be so were valiant. And then, in the sheer alignment of the stars, in the good faith of God, whatever it may be, I got a phone call from my fantastic counterpart telling me of an apartment that is available in LA. I've decided to move there to live my dream of living on the West Coast, and for no other reason except for the warm weather and the disgustingly obsessive-almost-sick-with-desire feeling I get when I'm there. And throughout the entire day, I've talked and calculated and faxed and now I have my dream apartment on the outskirts of Beverly Hills in Los Angeles. I'm thrilled and slightly terrified -but I can't wait to live the rest of my life.

I took a chance on what I wanted. I am living my life one step at a time and I couldn't be more grateful for where I've been to get to this very key-slamming moment. I never knew what I wanted in high school. How can you? At 17 you don't know what you want - you know exactly what you DON'T want and that's about it. At 20 I didn't know either. At 22, I'm one step closer to figuring it out, and about 38 steps closer to feeling totally in the moment. But all in all, I would never be to this point if it weren't for the things that came and went.

The boys, the life experiences, the fuck-ups, the joyous occasions, the heartbreaks, the lay-offs, the isolated incidents...every piece has brought me a greater understanding of where I want to be (and I don't mean that literally). If there is one thing I can encourage those I love and those I one day will love and those I don't even know - it's to truly follow your heart through what you've experienced, because REALLY, REALLY - you deserve to crave and follow through on every dream you have.

with all my love, now and retrospectively,
me

Time for Honesty

I called up my favorite counterpart to spill my guts about my crazy 2009 so far today and had a great conversation. Things were cut short by my date to see Bride Wars (SO GOOD!) however we always can get in something profound in any amount of time...

I've had a great and eventful year thus far. I rang in the year low-key (which I was thrilled about because I think New Years is way overrated), then immediately embarked on a vacation to Disney World, marking my first trio to the famed resort and theme park at age 22. It was still amazingly magical at 22 though! I finally got back, came back down from my travelling warm-weather high and took some major revelations away from these past 12 days.

I realized that I'm learning to be honest with myself. In past years, I've tried out some new resolutions - but they're always over-arching ideas like "be more selfish" or "have more fun"...this year I'm coming around again with another general resolution: Be more honest with myself. I'm happy with these past resolutions because the less specific resolutions are, I think the easier they are to make happen! And so being honest with myself is an easy thing to remember, so hopefully I'll stick to it.

For a long time I was back and forth about a relationship that was a huge part of my life. For two years I went back and forth...I have this rule (this may seem irrelevant but I swear it will make sense) when I go shopping. If I don't love it, I don't buy it. If I'm ever on the fence, I just leave it behind. I should have done this a while ago with this relationship. I was often on the fence about it and I didn't love it, so I shouldn't have bought into it. But I learned to be more straightforward, I learned to do what is right for me, and I'm learning to try to be more honest with my feelings instead of wasting time complicating everything with "what to do" issues.

I recently (and by recently, I mean like a few days ago) realized that I've been wanting to move out to California ever since my freshman year of college. I was entranced by the beauty and the weather and the atmosphere (not talking about the smog, lol) there. Here is NJ I use a special lamp for light therapy to avoid Seasonal Affective Disorder. Being in a warmer, sunnier, happier climate is better for me. It's what I want. It's what I've wanted since I had a taste of it. Every time I come back east I want to fly back west (passed out on Xanax though so I don't get that horrible anxiety that comes with turbulance). I love it - so why not buy it?

This is what I want and this is what I'm ready for. I'm tired of looking at things I used to be intimidated by coveting them. I'm going to do it and I'll figure out the rest when I get there. This isn't just talking about a dream, this is life, and ready to be honest with how I feel about actually doing it.

My "thing" in life (everyone has a "thing") is that I have zero regrets. I regret absolutely nothing because everything in life has shaped me into where I am today. And I never want to regret anything in the future because I wasn't honest with myself. Being more honest with myself will only help me see things clearer, sooner.

I'm ready for graduating, I'm ready for the life that I'm gonna tell my kids about and be proud of - I'm ready for life in general. I've had the most colorful past thus far, why settle now?

I love it, and I'm buying it!

xoxo with a big ol' kiss,
Me

Carrie & Me

I just finished watching the Sex & the City movie, which I had purchased pre-viewed from Blockbuster because I knew I would watch it a thousand times. That was over a month ago, and do you know how many times I watched it since I've bought it? Once. Tonight.

I'm actually not much of a movie gal. I typically only watch a movie under two circumstances: 1) I am forced to watch whatever the movie may be due to school/someone else it watching a movie when I walk into a room and 2) It's something I truly want to see. In the case of the latter, I usually just go to the movie alone. However I create a third category for myself tonight: watching a movie for emotional escape and as therapy for a breakup.

I broke up with my boyfriend last night. I had no intention of doing so - but when I went to go see him, and I looked him in the face, I didn't see my future. I saw my frustrations, the same problems I've had for two years. In the face of that I was confronted with my second worst fear of being alone, but also my first - being with the wrong person.

In long relationships, whether it be your girlfriend or your boyfriend or your friend or whatever the relationship may be, you have to be happy with that other person. And it needs to be 95% of the time. If it's not, and it's only half, or less, then you are doing yourself a disservice by sticking around. Leaving is the hard part...it's so much easier to hang around for the moments where it actually IS good, but waiting for those is enduring the ugly.

Walking away sucks. But doesn't the right thing usually suck??

I am so sad right now. I used half a box of tissues while crying with Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte through their two and a half hour adventure. I miss and loved those good things, but I'll never trade myself for the times where I waited for it to be better again.

Crying is okay, I think sometimes we have to just get it out and mourn for the loss, but just remember that it was the right thing.

Love always and with abundant joy,
me xoxo

Opening Scene

Today started out innocently enough.
Woke up a lil later than expected.
Showered.
Discovered there was a boot on my car.
BAM! There it is. No matter how positive I tried to be between yesterday and today, sometimes you can't fight everything.

I freaked out - after all, what's not to freak out about? There is a BOOT on my CAR - I can't move it and I have to pay money to take it off - oh, and I think I forgot to mention that this was all because I had three outstanding parking tickets - which results in a headache when it's all said and done. In essence, I didn't pay my parking tickets, so I paid for it with a boot, $150, and a headache.

Lesson learned: pay parking tickets on time. Better yet - don't get them. Check and check.

However, in this, I had to suck it up and take care of the situation at hand. I had to stop my tears, read the instructions on the bright orange sticker left on my car. I took care of everything within a half an hour, and within two hours, I was able to just try to laugh it off (maybe I was just scoffing at my frustration with the NB Parking Authority) to get past it.

This is my attitude, this is who I am now. I'm still working on it, but the true essence of my being is just that: When I am challenged with something that seems so sudden or maybe a little scary, I freak out for a minute. But then I get my bearings and just deal with it. I'm trying every day to take challenges and make them accomplishments. I'm also trying to create challenges by setting goals and achieving this...

Hi, I'm Beth, and now I'm a blogger!