Starting Over

[forgot to publish from 7/11/09]

There are so many things in life that you have total control over.

I just moved to California for no apparent reason except to live. Whenever someone asked me what I was doing after graduation, all I could say was, "moving to LA," to which the common response was, "oh, do you have a job out there?"

Nope.

I drove out here blindly. I came here with an optomistic outlook, a Honda Civic full of my belongings and my best friend. I made the choice to do something I thought would be fantastic. Everything fell into place from there. I have a beautiful apartment, a great roomate and fun every day.

Before I left, I was terrified. One night, I cried to my mom, worried sick over what I was going to do as far as money and a job went. "What am I going to do????" I was so afraid of failing that I wasn't even allowing myself to be present in the moment, and let the future unfold. After driving the 2800 miles it took to my new home, I can finally say that I took control of my life for real, made my own happiness and I couldn't be happier.

One of the most important things my mom said to me to help me see this more clearly was that NO MATTER WHAT, you can't make things happen in any one specific way. You can choose what you want and do it, but as in doing anything else, you won't make it from point A to point B in one linear step. You'll go to point C, than to F, to Z. Such is life. Regardless, something will work out, as long as you keep close what you want with a smile on your face.

I had a point Z moment today. Today, my family changed. My mom made my alcoholic father leave. This breaks my heart. Here I am, 2800 miles from my mom, brother and sister whom I love more than anything and I can't even hug them. Or get a hug, for that fact. My dad is somewhere - who knows where doing who knows what - and all I can do is wonder. I wonder what will happen, I wonder if we'll be okay, I wonder if he'll find help or just fade out. I wonder if he'll live to see 60. This terrifies me. But I know somehow it will be okay. I'm really worried. But what good does that do? This is a scary, blind step in the right direction for my family. A new start, for the right reasons. All we can do is hope.