and so I've derailed my norm and have actually been writing more than once every three months...
Here I am. A new year. 2010. Doesn't it sound so big? It sounds scary, like I should be expecting some big boom of sorts. I think we all are, though, aren't we?
I finally went back into my journal and my blog to dig out what my promise was to myself last year. I wanted to be more honest with myself. I wanted to recognize my faults (or greatness, depending on who you are asking, heh) and really try to clean out my closet. I wanted to be true to myself in various ways. I can't say for certain that I feel as if I've truly accomplished this in any tangible way. I think I rid myself fairly well of things I felt like were a lie - relationships with people that weren't especially great for me, habits I wanted to eliminate, etc...I feel like I didn't do a great job of keeping this frame of mind, though. Perhaps I was busy with other changes in life that maybe led me to indirectly clearing out my closet, i.e. moving clear across the country, however, I didn't really consistently keep this train of thought in mind.
In past years, I would remind myself of my resolution on a regular basis - being a bigger bitch, being more selfish, etc., but this year I feel as if I fell a bit short of this particular goal. Recognizing my shortcomings has prompted me to create a new and improved resolution that I feel I can identify with and...remember? This is to be more timely.
I once had an ex whom, among many other things, was (in short) - a dick. Always rude and judgemental, he once said to me (half jesting, half serious), "YOU ARE LATE FOR EVERYTHING!" I was flabbergasted! Me?!?! Not taking critique well, I scoffed and, annoyed, denied this (what I thought) artificial truth and kept my stride. But then I realized, he was right. I was always the last person to class. I always was the last to my meetings. I was always the one saying I would be ten minutes when I would be thirty. I have zero concept of time and space. Thus, this year, despite my expertise in planning and structure, have zeroed in on a fault I would very much like to edit.
I think in addition to be physically devoted to this quest, I would also like to be mentally attached to this also. You can be late for an event, but you also can put off something you desire to do. I want to not only be prompt but to grab whatever it is I'm dreaming of and grab it by the balls and say, "hey, right now, let's do this." I've always been envious of others who are able to take and tow and so now, in this moment, I want to vow to become that person.
Transformation across time is a wonderful thing. I've quite recently turned into this person that dreams and does, something that the Me of three years ago would mock while I sucked down my Marlboro light in my skinny jeans outside of whatever academic building I was waiting for class outside of. I remember quite clearly the day that I woke up in the late afternoon from an insomnia-driven half-coma and cried because I had dropped all of my classes except Folk Festival and wanted to just flat-out quit college. I didn't know or believe that I deserved better. I had been on a depression-driven (literally, ha) roller coaster for years and years and was convinced that I was only as good as my coffee and substance high could get me. I had overly-introspective issues about what I was destined for. I was convinced that my purpose in life was to suffer while others prospered. It took me a long and difficult while to get my act together and finally understand that there is a greater life and self beyond what might seem feasible, something which is only truly achievable through dreaming and doing. My first real flirtation with believing and doing was with quitting smoking, and then after conquering that, becoming folk festival Manager and becoming a runner and growing into myself mentally. The more I tried and won, the more I realized that anything is possible.
And so regardless if you're late for everything (me) or just wanting to improve some part of yourself (me+you), the power is in your ideas, your thoughts and your dreams. I feel like I have come a million and a half miles from where I started, and knowing that I can go five million-plus more is an overwhelming and invigorating feeling. I now have everything I deserve and much, much more. Waking up every day and being excited about what's next is the best damn feeling in the world.
I can only keep dreaming and keep stepping one foot in front of the other, but having the faith that I'll get to where I want to be is what will get me there. If you haven't already experimented with a little walk on the dreamer's side, I recommend you do so.
Good things come to those who dare to dream
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