Today is just one of those days where I don't feel like myself. I feel unaligned.
I went to the beach with my counterpart yesterday and we were talking about how in life, you are faced with about eight million choices every day. Would you like soy milk or skim in your coffee? Do you want to cook dinner or go out? Do you really want to buy that super cool As Seen on TV potato peeler that you just watched on a 45 minute informercial?? You make decisions that you don't even realize because they are just simple and don't require a ton of thought. These are the unconscious decisions you make because they align with your moral and behavioral fibers. They don't require time or thought; you do it and it's done.
But then there are those times where you do something or make a decision that conflicts with whatever your beliefs are...maybe by accident, sometimes on purpose, or perhaps just because you weren't paying attention. And maybe once in a blue moon, it ends up OK, but I tend to find from my own experiences that more often than not, you end up feeling pretty terrible. It doesn't seem to be what you did in particular, but for me at least it's got more to do with the underneath-issue which would be, why did I do this in the first place? What's going on?
I feel like I've run into some of these symptoms of bad choices lately. I like to think I have a pretty strong moral foundation, that I adhere to what I believe in and live by those standards. I rarely deviate so when I do, it hurts. I have this unwavering personal guilt - when I do something wrong, if I hurt someone or myself, I can't seem to shake it. It probably stems from all that Catholic stuff in my upbringing or my Cancerian nature where I'm super sensitive but I stuff it all inside...but regardless, I feel awful for quite some time.
Like I said, I'm not entirely sure why but it's never really the thing that I do that gets me, but more so the why. Why would I choose to do something that wasn't good for me, or for whomever else was involved? Do we sometimes stray from what we should be doing to feel something else? I think I've been unconsciously seeking something or things in my life that won't come to me instantly but that I just want so bad that I make stupid decisions to try to extract a piece of whatever feeling I'm seeking. And I've found that all this is worthless and can only be a danger to myself. It's like buying a knockoff bag: it's cheaper and it might look just the same as the real deal, but on the inside, the lining is gonna say "Made in Sri Lanka," and you'll always know it's just not real enough.
So whatever these lingering reasons are and wherever they are coming from, I have to just face them. I have to keep in line with my true self - the part of me that is trying to make me better - and stick with it. I guess maybe every once in a while, if you feel yourself start to fall off your own wagon, you have you brush yourself off, but while you're running to catch up and hop back on, make sure that you do a little self-check to see what's really going on. Maybe this will help me avoid getting bruised again when I bounce off the first time.
I want to give myself the benefit of stopping to recollect myself. I can feel terrible all I want, but in reality, it's truly unproductive and will only get me down even more. So now, today, here in my rolly chair at my Ikea desk in my lovely Los Angeles apartment, I'm going to give myself this New Frontier to let go of what I've done wrong, and to move on. I deserve more from me.
